I’ve been a mother for a year and a few days. I am not counting pregnancy, though I suppose some might. My daughter Ember Eve was born May 28, 2017, and I consider that my motherhood birth date. I’ve always gravitated toward mother characters (both in the stories I read and in the ones I write), so I suppose I was meant to become one myself. It doesn’t matter how much you read about motherhood or even imagine it; it is impossible to comprehend its complexity until you become one. This year has been one of the most rewarding, terrifying, and joyous times of my life. I have grown and changed in ways I never thought possible. Below are five of my motherhood nuggets of wisdom. (I recognize that these are mine and that all mothers are different. In no way do I mean to imply these should be all mothers’ realities.)
1. Mom Guilt – Yeah, yeah…I’d heard about this, and I probably rolled my eyes, thinking it wouldn’t apply that much to me. This was and still is a very real reality for me. In the early days, my child got a slight sunburn (despite my efforts to keep her out of the sun), and I agonized over this for days. When I couldn’t produce enough milk for her, I sat on the kitchen floor and cried. (The anxiety and guilt associated with our failed breastfeeding journey is something I cannot write about yet, but I want to at some point when I’m ready.) The first few times I went on a date with my husband, I struggled to push past the guilt that accompanied leaving Ember Eve with someone else. This morning, I held a sleepy Ember Eve against my pregnant stomach and felt my heart clench with guilt. Did I get pregnant too soon? Will I still give my first baby the love and attention she deserves and needs? I suppose this guilt will grow and change over time without abating. And I suppose I might as well embrace and accept it.
2. Change – What doesn’t change after becoming a parent? My entire reality centers on a child whose needs outweigh mine most of the time. I used to spend my weekends relaxing, playing sports, and hanging out with friends. Now, I spend them chasing a little redhead through the grass, reading books, changing diapers, scrubbing bottles and high chair trays, and everything else that is involved in taking care of a toddler. I fall into bed bone tired most nights. My husband Rob has said that friends treat you differently after you have a child, and I suppose this is true to some extent. I have seen a change in my relationships with friends who do not have children. It’s harder to make the time to build and maintain those relationships, and it’s mostly my fault. I no longer prioritize those relationships as other priorities have moved up the ranks.
3. Prioritizing Marriage – One thing that Rob and I have done right (and we’ve made many not-so-right decisions) is we have prioritized our marriage and made sure we both participate in the activities that make us feel whole. We met playing sports, and it’s important to both of us that we continue to participate in sports or whatever physical activity we need. Now that I’m 21 weeks pregnant, I can no longer play sports, but I did play up until a certain point. Though he has cut back, Rob plays sports several days a week and even travels with our team to a few tournaments. Exercise is even more important to me now that I cannot play sports. Rob takes care of Ember after work and some on the weekends so I can go to various gyms. This is important to us, and it makes us happy. We have also taken a few short trips without Ember to continue building our relationship. We go on dates here and there and make sure to spend some alone time together without Ember’s presence.
4. Praise Family – All of #3 is possible because of family help. I don’t think I’d be sane without the help our family offers us. We are fortunate to have both sets of our parents and most of our siblings nearby. In fact, Rob’s parents and brother live next door., which is unbelievably helpful and convenient. Family watches her while we work and for date nights, etc. I admire those who raise children without family nearby to help. Just yesterday, I dropped Ember off next door so I could get a few things done without her interruption. I am so grateful to have family help and support while raising Ember. I also think it’s good for her growth, and I’m thankful she is growing up surrounded by her grandparents and aunts/uncles.
5. Worthwhile Sacrifice – Sacrifice is an inevitable part of motherhood, and it begins during pregnancy. I am not the kind of woman who enjoys being pregnant. I understand this may not be a popular or well-received opinion, but it’s my truth. Though I am grateful my body is able to conceive and appreciate some of the experience (the baby movement, mostly), sometimes I am selfish and wish I didn’t have to give my body over to my growing baby. I miss playing sports and drinking wine and not worrying about whether or not the food I’m eating is organic. I also sometimes miss what life was like before Ember Eve. Some days when Ember begins babbling in her crib earlier than I’d like, I miss sleeping in and being lazy. I miss being invited to parties and attending events without having to race home to a babysitter. I could go on and on. But the truth is that raising Ember trumps all these feelings. Watching her discover her world and grow as an individual is one of my life’s greatest joys. Some days, it’s hard to remember this and push past some of the aforementioned feelings, but most days I realize I am happier because of these changes.
This first year of motherhood has been challenging and rewarding, and I wouldn’t trade it if I had the opportunity. I read once that above all else humans crave discovery. Life often derails us from continuing to seek discovery as jobs and repetition bog us down into the mundane daily grind, but children’s lives are all about discovery. Everything is new to children–tastes, textures, smells, and sounds. Watching Ember Eve discover her world one day at a time is worth all the guilt, sacrifice, and change. In turn, I’m discovering unknown aspects of my husband and of myself. I thought I understood what Rob and I would be like as parents, but we’re different than I expected in many ways. I enjoy these small discoveries and hope they continue. In short, I embrace motherhood and my identity shift. I could continue elaborating, but Ember Eve just woke up from her nap, so duty calls.
Ember Eve’s first birthday party