Polar bear cubs stay with their mothers for up to 3 years. Raccoons cling to their mothers until they are kicked out around 3 months. Wolf cubs leave on their own around 2 or 3 months but remain part of the pack (or create their own pack) and squirrels leave the nest around 12 weeks but return to it to sleep and when faced with danger. 

Bottom line: nature proves that mothers are hard-wired to be with their babies until a certain age, which varies by species. 

Tomorrow I am leaving for a weekend trip, and I swing from feeling euphoric to being filled with dread.  I agreed to go on the trip after a couple of very difficult days. Ivy had been fussy and Ember had been wild. I was exhausted and fed up. The idea of leaving for a weekend was heavenly, so I said yes. Two days later, I was like ohhhh shit, what did I do? 

I am excited to play football, hang out with friends, and have some freedom. But I am anxious about being separated from the girls, primarily from Ivy who is only 8 weeks old. It’s difficult to explain my clashing emotions. One minute I am excited and optimistic, and the next I’m clutching the baby like I’m never going to see her again. When I left Ember (again for football) around 4.5 months, the anxiety leading up to leaving her was worse than actually being away from her. I missed her but I was able to distract myself and stay busy. In fact, I remember enjoying the freedom some of the time. I am hoping this is the case in this instance as well.

My husband probably thinks I’m insane, or, at the very least, is annoyed with me. To him, it’s no biggie to leave the girls for a weekend, especially since they will be in good hands at my parents’ house.  But I do think nature and science validate my struggle. As far as nature is concerned, it makes sense that Rob and I feel very differently about being separated from the children. Fathers in the wild leave their young very early or are never with them at all. They aren’t hard-wired to be with their offspring like the mothers are. This was abundantly clear when Rob and I went on a safari for our honeymoon. Every single baby we saw was with its mother or part of a pack that likely was comprised of mostly females. Males, if they were nearby, were off in the distance, possibly watching for predators. In the wild, most males are not responsible for raising the young. Their duties lie elsewhere. 

Though we aren’t polar bears or lions, I do believe we can compare human parents to animal parents. I don’t think we’re all that different. And I do think there are scientific reasons for this. Let’s take crying, for example. Women respond in a physiological way when their babies cry but men do not. The NIH published a study that revealed women from various cultures all responded similarly when a baby cried. All mothers, no matter where they were from, needed to and did pick up a crying child. In another study a few years earlier, the NIH discovered that men, on the other hand, do not react in the same manner when they hear a baby cry: ” Researchers asked men and women to let their minds wander, then played a recording of white noise interspersed with the sounds of an infant crying. Brain scans showed that, in the women, patterns of brain activity abruptly switched to an attentive mode when they heard the infant cries, whereas the men’s brains remained in the resting state.” This explains why Rob can tolerate Ivy crying while it makes me feel like jumping out of my skin. He can sit next to her while she’s crying and be completely relaxed while I feel compelled to pick her up or do something to soothe her, partially to calm my own nerves.
It isn’t just about crying, though. Mothers want to be near their babies when they are young. Mother-child bonding is complex and involves bodily responses as well as emotional ones. It involves chemicals and pheromones and who knows what else. We form intense attachment to our children. I also believe this is why it’s often much harder for women when they return to work after a brief maternity leave. Being separated from a baby affects women on multiple levels. It feels unnatural to be away from them. 
Don’t get me wrong–my husband loves our girls. And he can be downright adorable with them sometimes. But it isn’t the same and it isn’t his fault. He may be geared more toward protecting than nurturing. Or maybe he is able to control his emotions or anxiety much better than I can. 

While away this weekend, I’m going to do my best to enjoy some space and freedom. And the very minimum, I can’t wait to sleep without waking to take care of a baby (though it will be small miracle if I sleep through the night without waking to phantom crying). While away, I hope that I can revive the old me, the woman my husband married, the person I was pre-baby.  I’d like to be the girl who played seven football games on a Saturday and drank disgusting fireball at the bar afterward. I used to be fun. I was carefree. I hope I can be her for a couple days at least some of the time. 
Wish me luck. And wish my husband luck, too, since he’s stuck with this anxious, moody mother. 

(Disclaimer: I am sure not all men and not all women fit these roles that I’m defining here, but I do think this is the norm. I don’t mean to apply these definitions to all men and women.)
Photos: (1) Ember Eve at 18 months wearing the snowsuit I wore as child(2) and (3) Ivy Q at 8 weeks old starting to show some personality