Yesterday was my last Sunday with one child. Today is my last Monday with only Ember Eve. I’m having a baby this week (Sunday at the latest). That statement doesn’t seem real or true yet no matter how many times I say it. Truth be told, I’m not ready in any sense of the word. The bassinet isn’t put together, newborn clothes are still in a box, the car seat is somewhere in the attic…I could keep going. Bottom line–I am and feel completely unprepared. The funny thing is I’ve never been much of a procrastinator. I was never that student who knew she had a test and simply didn’t study until the night before. That’s not me. I like to be prepared and ready; I don’t like to wing it. So I’m not sure what gives here. I guess I’m nervous and anxious and it was just easier plowing through my days as if nothing was changing.
I also swear that Ember Eve senses something is going on. She has turned into a mommy’s girl and cries and cries when I leave her sight. This morning, she was the most cuddly, clingy little girl she has EVER been. I welcome it, but I wonder how she knows something is up. Maybe she senses or feels my shift in mood? She also hugs my belly, which is a new thing.
Basically, I’m in a weird place. I feel neither here nor there, and I’m not quite sure how to feel whole. I’m trying to enjoy every moment with Ember, but it’s like I’m only half here. It’s as if I’m swimming underwater and looking up at the the world above me. I can see it, but there’s something separating me from joining it. Life is muted, dreamlike.
Maybe how I’ve been feeling has affected and influenced this. This past weekend, my last full weekend as a mom of one, was very difficult. I’m relatively certain I’m in pre-labor (or at least false labor), and though I’ll spare the details, I’ll say this: I hurt. My body aches, and I’m nervous, scared, and apprehensive. With Ember, it was easy: my water broke and I went to the hospital. I never experienced what leads up to labor since they induced me. This bizarre period is not fun. I worry over every symptom and sign. How far apart are contractions? Are they real contractions? Is the baby moving enough? Why does my low back hurt so much? Am I drinking enough water? OUCH- why does that hurt so much? Are headaches normal pre-labor? If you lived inside my brain for an hour, you’d beg to be let out.
Part of the struggle is I’m incapable of clear decision-making. That includes trying to decide when and if it’s appropriate to go to the hospital. I don’t want to go to the hospital too soon if I’m not in real labor since they will just send me home. But I also don’t want to wait and potentially cause problems for the baby or me. It’s a confusing, strange time. I thought it was annoying that I had weekly prenatal visits, but this week I’m glad I’ll be seeing my doc again. I need his reassurance that everything is OK, or I need him to say that it’s happening and admit me to labor and delivery. I’ll have to refrain from hugging the guy tomorrow out of sheer relief.
Ember Eve, my sweet peach, is napping, but she’ll be up soon. We’re going to go for a long walk today and behead some flowers (one of her favorite activities). We’re going to feed the goats and dance to some music. We’ll snuggle and watch for trucks out the window. We’ll read as many books as she wants, even the long ones. I’ll comb her hair after her bath and tell her I promise to spend time with her even after the baby is born. I’ll try not to cry. I need to be present for these moments since they are some of the last.
Photos
1: EE attempting to behead a fake flower
2 & 3. EE chewing on anything she can (teething)
4. EE hugging my belly
