When I was younger, I believed in soulmates. Or maybe I just liked the word. And the idea is nice, right? Someone’s soul matching your own? The stars aligning and two people in harmony. Fate.

I love my husband, but is he my soulmate? No. He’s not because soulmates don’t exist.

Rob and I married each other for various reasons, and very different reasons, I suppose. Could I have married a guy who came before him? Of course. Could I have made it work with any of these partners? Maybe, maybe not. Rob could have married someone else, too. Any one of us could pair off with any number of people and build a life. Sure, we’d be happier with some more than others, and life would be better and less work with some partners. Bottom line–there may be many people out there for each of us, but we choose one and start making a life.

I don’t believe in the notion that there’s ONE RIGHT person for everyone. I just don’t. Relationships work because we make them work, not because our souls align. Could Rob have married a girl before me and made a life with her? Probably. Could he leave me today and find someone else? Sure. I certainly hope he won’t, but there’s probably someone else out there who will tolerate his socks everywhere all. the. time. and his obsession with playing coed sports. (Love you, Robbie!)

I do want to stress that it’s important to choose wisely. Had I married a guy from my past, I may be divorced or unhappy. Compatibility and attraction are important but not the end all be all. You better be attracted to the chosen partner and share some interests. But there are other aspects to consider that will matter in the long haul. Can you talk to that person? Does that person fight for you? Can you tolerate each other’s annoying traits? Can you fight and compromise and forgive and love with all you have even when you have nothing left? I could keep going. The point is that though there may not be one perfect person for you, you can absolutely marry the wrong person.

Love is like planting a tree and knowing that it’s going to take some time to grow and produce. It’s going to endure seasons, highs and lows, and brutal winters. It’s going spend some time naked and some time bursting with life. It’s going to be beautiful and ugly and vibrant and sick. And there’s going to be lots in between. It’s going to get better with age as it weathers, and it will grow stronger, the roots digging deeper and growing heartier.

People who wait for a soulmate to pop into their lives are wasting their time. People who pine over unrequited love (unless they thrive on the exquisite pain of one-sided love) are wasting their time. Instead, find someone you want to plant a fucking tree with who wants to build life with you too and get after it, knowing it’s going to be hard and messy and painful.

To be clear, I’m glad I didn’t marry any of the men before Rob. He’s right for me, and they weren’t. We’ve only been married 3.5 years and together for 8, and I love him more as time passes. My attraction for him has grown despite time and familiarity. Sometimes when he walks in the door and I first see him, my heart does that 16-year-old-high-schooler-in-love little skip. I love so much about him, and I love who I am with him. I love what we are building, despite the challenges.

But we struggle. We argue. We get angry. But we don’t quit. Embarking on parenthood and enduring some pretty big life changes might have pushed us apart, but we’ve worked hard to ensure we’ve grown closer. If he’s the love of my life, it’s because we have persisted and cultivated that love, not because of kismet.

So what does this mean? It means I chose to marry the right person because he’s willing to weather the tough stuff, to cherish the good stuff, and to keep fighting so we can be that old couple holding hands and smooching in public. In the present, we are that competitive couple that drags their toddlers through The Great Vermont Corn Maze for 3+ hours and emerges, sweaty and exhilarated, bursting with resilience, dedication, and unwavering love.