Ember Eve often wakes crying in the night. I suspect that, like me, she has nightmares. They have plagued me my entire life. As a child, I’d wake in the night and pad down to my brothers’ room. I crawled in my little brother’s bunk bed and smashed my body against his. I couldn’t sleep unless I felt him next to me.

Last night, Ember was desperate for human contact. She kept pulling my hand around her and only settled when were were touching. She was scared. She didn’t want to be alone. She pressed my hand to her flushed cheek; I brushed her hair away from her face. While I held Ember Eve, I couldn’t stop thinking about the world she is growing up in. I am sure all generations endure these thoughts: oh, this next generation doesn’t have it as great as we did. This next generation is missing out. It’s normal and natural for parents to feel this way, right? It’s normal to be scared about raising them in this environment, right? She fell asleep and I watched her breathing. I felt her warm body snuggled into mine. She needed comfort, security, and touch. I remained there with her for some time, awake and thinking about human contact.

Media is inevitable in our lives. It will be more ingrained in our children’s lives. Ember isn’t exposed to media very much, but she does love movies and cartoons. She prefers being outdoors, but media is gaining traction in her life. I know that media will be part of my girls’ lives, and I certainly do not plan on forbidding it. Frankly, it seems impractical and excessive to “outlaw” media.  But Rob and I have reservations about the presence and importance of media and technology in their lives.

I have noticed that both girls are interested in our phones. Of course they are! Rob and I have them in our hands most of the day. We use them for connection, for purpose, for escape, and for enjoyment. But I’ve become increasingly aware of how my behavior with my phone translates to my girls. I am trying to minimize my contact with my phone while in my girls’ presences.

I have been thinking about this topic more lately because a 16-year-old babysitter has entered our lives. Our young babysitter mentioned that it’s difficult to attempt a relationship with boys her age. She said they expect certain inappropriate media behavior and don’t know how to connect in person. They are inundated with overly sexual, pornographic, sometimes disturbing content via Instagram, Snapchat, etc. Many of them prefer the fantasy, media world to the real world. They don’t care about relationships in person because they can have easier, less complicated relationships with images and video. Why bother with a real human when that involves effort and fear?

I’ll tell you what I fear. I fear raising children in this environment. I want my girls to prefer living in this world instead of a fantasy, virtual world.
I want them to read their friends’ faces in person.  I want them to hold hands and hug; I want them to touch other human beings instead of look at them through a screen. I want them to love the outdoors and get muddy and wet and sweaty. I want them to feel the sting of a sunburn and the delicious relief of a cool breeze. I want them to make friends and suffer the pain of relationship changes in the real world, not online. I want them to cry and to laugh and to take up space.

I hope they want to live in the real world instead of the world living inside a screen. I want them to prefer doing something as opposed to watching someone else do the doing. I want them to struggle and learn and grow as human beings who interact in the world in the present. I want them to enjoy moments and not care about posting every detail of their lives to social media. I want them to hold memories in their heads and their hearts instead of their phones. I want them to laugh and experience this world, this whole big world, instead of sitting passively in front of a device.

I know this will be hard. I know they will want devices and apps and all the damn technological things. Mom, all the kids have this app! I know I will cave and allow more than I want to allow. But I vow to do my research about apps and media (I just read a terrifying post about TikTok). I also vow that my girls will spend a hell-of-a-lot of time outdoors and without media. If I can help it, their hands will hold rocks and animals and flowers instead of phones. They will make their own choices, but we will help shape these choices (I hope) and gently guide them to be living, breathing, messy beings who aren’t afraid to live in this world as active beings versus watching this world passively behind the technology barrier.

Ultimately, they will shape their own lives, but I hope I can be an example for them. I hope I can provide some wisdom that will encourage them to live.

As I felt Ember’s body relax next to mine in her “big girl bed,” I realized human contact, real human contact, will always be craved. Life is messy. It’s even messier in the flesh. But nothing can replace human touch. Nothing. No virtual anything can replace what transpires when we touch skin to skin.

And for the time being, I am going to savor this fleeting time when my girls aren’t obsessed with media. We’re going to stomp in puddles and sing songs and read books. We’re going to cuddle and dance and give Eskimo kisses. We’re going to make animal noises, listen to the birds, and watch the clouds move through the sky. We’re going to enjoy food and blow bubbles and laugh until we’re breathless. And we’ll fall asleep together, our heads and hearts bursting with memories of living and loving in this crazy world.