While pregnant with Ember Eve, I wanted a boy. Very badly. I’m embarrassed to admit that I was crushed when we found out she was a girl. I confessed this to family and some close friends, and they listened patiently. I struggled for a long time to accept that Ember Eve was a girl and that I would be raising a daughter. Even with this pregnancy, I hoped for a boy. I suppose I craved change and discovery, as most humans do, and assumed having a boy would satisfy those desires. In recent months, I have completely changed my mindset and wish I could go back and smack some sense into my former self. 

I think back to my childhood, and I distinctly remember wanting to wear dresses while riding my big wheel. Often, my dresses got caught in the wheels and tore. I was almost always barefoot and loved playing in the dirt and the rain. I was girly in some ways, but very boyish in others. I was the one of the most aggressive players when we played roller hockey in the cul-de-sac, and I enjoyed sports more than some boys in our neighborhood. I don’t think I ever had a tea party, and I was never really into Barbies. I did, however, love pigtails, dresses, pink, and My Little Pony. But who cares if I had been into more girly activities? What difference does it make?  

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, and I’m struggling to put my thoughts into words. I suppose I’ve always wanted a boy for a few reasons. First, I was a tomboy, and I assumed that I would connect better with a baby boy. I also cringe when I think of all the stereotypical girl stuff–sparkles, tiaras, tutus, tea parties, butterflies, and pink everything–compared to the stereotypical boy stuff.  Boy stuff is more interesting to me. And let’s get real: baby boy clothes are ADORABLE. I suppose I saw myself as a “boy mom,” even though I don’t understand what that means. I had unrealistic, stereotypical expectations.

Now, I can’t imagine Ember Eve as anything other than Ember Eve. Countless people told me that after she was born, I wouldn’t care that she was a girl and that I would love her. I tried to believe them, but I was incapable of fully understanding until she happened. My little girl is a wild child who has no idea what gender is (at least not yet). I love her fiercely and deeply, and I’m sure I would feel the same if she’d been a boy. She certainly doesn’t exhibit stereotypical girly tendencies yet, but I know this may change as she gets older. Someday, I may be lifting a tea cup to my lips while wearing a sparkly tiara and holding a rainbow unicorn in my lap. And you know what, I’m going to enjoy that experience. Or, I may be watching her play soccer or t-ball and cheering for her. Who knows? Personally, I’m excited to see how she develops into a person with her own personality and preferences. 

I am baffled by societal notions (and my previous beliefs) that baby boys somehow trump baby girls. (I don’t mean to indicate that everyone believes this, but it seems many do.) Why do some people, including me last year, prefer baby boys to baby girls?  And what message does this send to young girls? When I tell people we’re having another girl, some offer sympathy, as if it’s a bad thing.  A friend of mine is pregnant and does not know the baby’s sex. I overheard someone tell her they thought it would be a boy. She replied by saying she hoped so. When I returned baby boy clothes to a clothing store, I explained to the worker that my aunt bought me a set of girl clothes and a set of boy clothes since we didn’t know the sex yet. I simply had to return the set I didn’t need. The clerk actually said, “Oh, I’m sorry,” when I was returning the boy set. She cringed and then said, “Too bad it isn’t a boy.” At the time, I felt the same way, but I think about that now, and it angers me. So I ask again, what is so wrong with baby girls? 

I don’t think people have bad intentions, nor do I think this notion about boys being preferred to girls is always true. Maybe people just assume that we all want both sexes (and maybe most of us do). I have friends with two or more kids all the same sex, and I’ve heard people make comments about what a shame it is that they didn’t have at least one of the opposite sex. Maybe we think this world is easier for boys, though I disagree. I don’t intend to hurt anyone’s feelings with this post or to indicate that people cannot and should not prefer a certain sex. I’m rambling and attempting to make sense of my own thoughts on this matter. I’m baffled and want to understand. 

In the meantime, I’m going to be grateful I’m capable of having children, and I’ll love my children as individuals. In the future, instead of having gender expectations for my children, I am shifting my focus to human expectations.

This is what I mean:I hope my children possess some of my kindness and empathy. I hope they grow up with their father’s confidence and fearlessness. I hope they care for and cultivate the earth. I hope they are kind to those who are weak or voiceless. I will encourage them to relish in nature and life’s small, seemingly insignificant delights. We will teach them to be strong and fight. I will demonstrate how important it is to keep learning and to keep questioning this world. I want them to be happy and healthy and considerate. Bottom line: we will encourage them to be good humans.

Does it matter if they do these things in a dress or a bow tie? Of course not. And someday if I do have a baby boy, I’ll be delighted and excited to discover his different personality and quirks compared to my other children. But I strongly believe that discovery isn’t tied to sex or gender. It’s a human thing, not a sex or gender thing.