Before I was a mom, I read articles about postpartum changes in moms’ lives, but I was clueless about what that meant before I had a kid. I think many people struggle to understand how postpartum depression and anxiety manifest in a woman’s life.  Now that I am a mom, I get it. I wrestled a little with the depression aspect, but, for me, postpartum anxiety was and still is the tougher aspect. I suppose if I were to explain it to someone who isn’t a mom, I’d compare it to a frequent battle of tug-of-war in which my pre-baby self is yanking the heavy rope on one side and my post-baby self is pulling with all her might on the other side. I love both selves, and I know I can still be both of those people, but sometimes I feel like they are two totally different people who cannot coexist.  Sometimes I wish I could hop on a plane to Mexico and spend a few days swimming in the ocean and drinking mojitos. I long to feel free. But when I am away from Ember Eve for a while, I miss her so much I feel like part of me is missing. Tug-of-war. Another example: I wait for her bed time to come so I have some to myself, but when she’s asleep I can’t wait for her to wake up. I want one thing in one moment and another in the next, and it’s exhausting. 

Here’s the thing: I love my child and my new life as a parent. I do. I certainly wouldn’t change it. As I have stated over and over, watching Ember discover her world is one of my life’s greatest delights. I don’t want to go as far as to say that I was meant to be a mother, but I love being a mom, and I’m glad I chose this life. However, the identity shift and life changes are quite real and sometimes difficult. The postpartum identity shift is different for all women, and my version may not be the same as the next woman’s. But I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: it’s crucial to tend to emotional and psychological well-being. For some, that may mean a therapist and/or medication. For others, that means planning events to look forward to: vacations or date nights. We all have activities and interests that make us feel whole.

Sports and exercise have always been a form of therapy for me, and even more so now that I’m a mom. Since I’m pregnant and approaching the third trimester, I cannot play sports at this point, but exercise has been critical to my well-being. I exercise 5-6 days a week and plan to continue doing so (doc-permitting, of course) until baby 2 comes. I need that hour to myself to focus on my body and the simple tasks that the workout requires. I love how I feel when I walk out of a gym or workout facility. For that period of time, it’s just me vs. the workout, and I love a good post-workout ache. When I exercise, the game of tug-of-war pauses, and I forget about everything but what I’m doing in the moment. 

One issue I faced with exercise was when. I’ve been attending Pure Barre religiously, and I absolutely love the Avon/Westlake Pure Barre community. But the lack of childcare makes it tough to go when I want to go. I could pay for a sitter, but classes are already relatively pricey. I could wake up super early and take class before my husband goes to work. I have done that a few times, but I’m so bone tired most of the time (working full-time + being pregnant + chasing a toddler = exhaustion) that this isn’t a favored option. Doing this requires an early bed time, and I so cherish my evenings alone or with my husband when the little one is snoozing in her crib. Most of the time, I wait for my husband to get home from work, throw the kid at him, and I jet off to class. The issue with this is I lose precious time with family and have to push back dinner. I love the nights when we can hang out as a family when he gets home from work.

Now, thanks to Burn Boot Camp, I have another option. Exercise facilities that offer childcare options (free or not) are game-changers for moms. Burn Boot Camp, which opened near me this spring, offers free childcare during many of their morning and evening classes. This means I can take Ember Eve before or after work before Rob gets home (and on my days off!). I don’t have to pay for a sitter, and I don’t have to wait hours after work on the days I finish before Rob makes it home. This is wonderful for several reasons. First, if I finish my workout before Rob gets home, we can enjoy the evening and dinner together. Second, Ember LOVES to play with the other kids at Burn. Since she is not a daycare kid, she doesn’t have as many opportunities to play and interact with other kids. I often peek in the childcare room during my water breaks at Burn and see her smiling and happily playing with the other kids. (Side note: There’s something so satisfying about watching your kid interact with others when she doesn’t know you’re watching. It’s like I’m discovering a different version of her I haven’t met yet.) I think it’s good for her to have some social time with other kids. Third, when I leave Burn, I feel whole. I feel lighter. I feel like pre-baby me who slept more than 5 hours a night and wasn’t covered in crusted banana or God knows what from a little redhead’s sticky hands. 

I don’t think this tug-of-war will disappear any time soon, but I do plan to do what I can to manage it. At this point, I’m going to embrace it and accept that most days I will be content being my post-baby self and other days I will long for the pre-baby life. I encourage all moms to figure out what they need to manage the postpartum identity shift. And seriously, if you’re looking for an awesome workout community, check out Pure Barre and Burn Boot Camp. They both have lots of locations in the Cleveland area, and I think both are nationwide, so it’s worth checking to see if there’s one in the area. If you need a local place that offers amazing workouts, a great community, and childcare, try Burn Boot Camp.

Exercise and nature are both critical to my well-being, and I encourage other moms to embrace and make time for what they need to stay healthy physically, mentally, emotionally, and psychologically. Finally, if you find yourself in a postpartum game of tug-of-war, please know you aren’t alone. 

(photo: St. Patrick’s Day Pure Barre workout – pregnant with Ember – 2nd trimester)